I Have Anger Issues With Anger Issues - Part 2: Emotionally Speaking

In the last post I voiced my concern over 'anger issues'.  I believe that it is an over-used catch phrase.  I have found that we expect kids to be able to act a certain way just because someone tells them they should know better.  Or, that a school has rules and students should know right from wrong-- or face the consequences.  Like it just magically happens.

Here is what I think:  Behavior concerns are a lot like Academic concerns.  There is either a skill deficit or something going on with skill fluency.  With academics, we usually provide the supports necessary to remediate and help the student along.  When dealing with behavior which stems from emotions the whole tangled ball is quite a challenge. 

Here is what I try to do to help kids as well as collaborate with Teachers and Parents:

Be Aware
Learn to recognize the signs of your anger.  Anger is an emotional signal that warns something is wrong and needs to be addressed.

Positive Emotional Expression
It is okay to have angry emotions.  Some kids are taught that anger is bad.  That is not true.  It all pivots on the manner in which it is conveyed. Take responsibility for your actions and emotions.  Blaming will not help.  In fact, it will probably escalate the situation.  Use "I" statements to help claim ownership of the situation.  (Here is an example from The Responsive Classroom).

Healthy Strategies
Our students need help with this.  This includes practiced repitition, encouraging feedback, and nuanced refinement. There are some things that sound easy to do- like counting to 10 and taking deep breaths- but are really, really difficult to actually do during the heat of the moment.  These things seem to help some folks, so give it a whirl and see how it works for you.  If those don't seem to help try removing yourself from the situation.  Give yourself a Mantra.  Go do something you enjoy.  Talk to someone you trust.  Draw. Go run in the gym.  Shoot hoops. (I am not a big fan of hitting a pillow, or anything like that.  Instead, squish clay or kneed dough).

There are lots of resources out there which can be of great help to you as you help the young  people in your life.  Explore.  Try new things.  Find what works for you.  Here are a few ideas:  Angry Animals 2 board game, free Feeleez feelings coloring sheets, Managing Your Anger: What's Behind It? poster, Howard B. Wigglebottom animated book, and book reviews by Roxanne at Books That Heal Kids on Anger. What books, games, activities do you like to put to use?  Please share.

One last thing. This is important.  All these strategies and interventions are good. What I think is most essential, though, is to carve out your own thought process/belief system/philosophy that works personally for you in regards to how the process of change occurs.  It is all about taking a situation from where it currently is and helping it evolve to where you aspire to be.  This is a slow, gradual process.  Here is an old post which lays out The Process Of Change for me.  What do you hang your hat on when it comes to Shifting Yourself?

I Have Anger Issues with Anger Issues - Part 1

    Student:   I have anger issues.
     Parent:    My Daughter is always mad at me.  I think she has anger issues.
     Teacher:  I know what his problem is....he does not know how to control his anger.

To that I say this-- enough already.

The times are few and far between that someone became angry because of anger.  More than likely the triggering emotion was jealousy, frustration, worry, or embarrassment.  Maybe it was a feeling of exclusion.  Or somebody touched some one's stuff without permission.  Maybe a friend borrowed a prized possession and did not return it.  In any case, the outcome was not as anticipated.  Perhaps, that is what led to the anger.

Do me a favor.  Please do not call it anger issues.  Instead, call it a problem with sharing.  Or fearful of not fitting in with peers.  Maybe sad about moving to a new school.  All these things could cause an outward, visible expression of anger.  But, underneath the surface is something else.  Look for it.  Sit with it.  Acknowledge it.  Address it.  Be Healthy about it. It is not going to go away on its own. Covering it with the blanket statement of 'anger issues' does little to address the behavior of real concern.   

I believe an important skill to learn is to cope; to make a difficult and stressful situation less so. What do you do when something does not turn out the way in which you hoped and thought it would?  How do you deal with these trying, sudden emotions?  How can we help young people as they experience something like this?

In my next post- I Have Anger Issues with Anger Issues, Part 2: Emotionally Speaking-  I will deliniate the manner in which I set out to help young people navigate their emotions.

What Is Your Guiding Theory?

I have written a lot about change.  Here, here, and here. 

Change is inevitable.  As the saying goes, don't be a tree that will not let go of its' leaves.  After all, there can be no Spring if we are stuck in Fall. 

Stuff happens, to put it mildly.  James Taylor penned, "The secret to life is enjoying the passage of time." Easy to recognize.  A bit harder to put into daily practice.  What helps you to cope gracefully?  Whether it be a minor inconvenience or a life altering circumstance.  What keeps you forward moving and eyes clear of the rear view mirror?

Since my grad school days, I have been partial to William Glasser and his Reality Theory.  Simply put, it helps me take effective responsibility of my life and maintain an internal locus of control.

It is a nice framework: State what you want. Take the necessary steps to go get it.  If it is not working make a better plan.  Commit to it.  No excuses.  Be fully present, rather than perseverate on the past.  No punishment.  Never give up.   As a Counselor, I find it to be a wonderfully effective process to put into practice with those I meet with for counseling sessions.

It is simple enough, right?  Figure out what you want.  Develop a plan.  Go to it.  Now it is your turn.  Please take a moment to share your guiding principles.

September 11 Resources

With the anniversary of September 11 near, it is an important time to be mindful of how we each process our emotions and the manner in which we help those in our care.

While these resources are specific to September 11, they are also appropriate for effectively coping with other traumatic events.


Below is a link from the National Association of School Psychologists: NASP Resources for 9/11.  The link provides information on  Fostering Resilience and Optimism; Tips for Parents and Caregivers, Educators, and Youth; Fostering an Attitude of Gratitude, just to name a few.

Here, too, is a link to the American School Counselor Association website:  ASCA Resources for September 11.  This link provides information on Talking to Your Child About September 11, Lesson Plans, and more.

To my way of thinking, whenever we can promote/nurture resiliency, optimism, and perseverence when faced with adversity it is beneficial to us all.


I wish you well.