One Family Word

My Family has decided to come up with a Word for us.  We settled on Contagious.  As in-- our mood can rub off to each other in a positive happy-making manner or in a negative grumpy sour type of way.  We are going to make a group effort to be mindful of how our attitude/mood/frame of mind can impact other family members.  Wish us luck and I'll keep you posted.

How about you-- does your family have a word?

I Have Anger Issues With Anger Issues - Part 2: Emotionally Speaking

In the last post I voiced my concern over 'anger issues'.  I believe that it is an over-used catch phrase.  I have found that we expect kids to be able to act a certain way just because someone tells them they should know better.  Or, that a school has rules and students should know right from wrong-- or face the consequences.  Like it just magically happens.

Here is what I think:  Behavior concerns are a lot like Academic concerns.  There is either a skill deficit or something going on with skill fluency.  With academics, we usually provide the supports necessary to remediate and help the student along.  When dealing with behavior which stems from emotions the whole tangled ball is quite a challenge. 

Here is what I try to do to help kids as well as collaborate with Teachers and Parents:

Be Aware
Learn to recognize the signs of your anger.  Anger is an emotional signal that warns something is wrong and needs to be addressed.

Positive Emotional Expression
It is okay to have angry emotions.  Some kids are taught that anger is bad.  That is not true.  It all pivots on the manner in which it is conveyed. Take responsibility for your actions and emotions.  Blaming will not help.  In fact, it will probably escalate the situation.  Use "I" statements to help claim ownership of the situation.  (Here is an example from The Responsive Classroom).

Healthy Strategies
Our students need help with this.  This includes practiced repitition, encouraging feedback, and nuanced refinement. There are some things that sound easy to do- like counting to 10 and taking deep breaths- but are really, really difficult to actually do during the heat of the moment.  These things seem to help some folks, so give it a whirl and see how it works for you.  If those don't seem to help try removing yourself from the situation.  Give yourself a Mantra.  Go do something you enjoy.  Talk to someone you trust.  Draw. Go run in the gym.  Shoot hoops. (I am not a big fan of hitting a pillow, or anything like that.  Instead, squish clay or kneed dough).

There are lots of resources out there which can be of great help to you as you help the young  people in your life.  Explore.  Try new things.  Find what works for you.  Here are a few ideas:  Angry Animals 2 board game, free Feeleez feelings coloring sheets, Managing Your Anger: What's Behind It? poster, Howard B. Wigglebottom animated book, and book reviews by Roxanne at Books That Heal Kids on Anger. What books, games, activities do you like to put to use?  Please share.

One last thing. This is important.  All these strategies and interventions are good. What I think is most essential, though, is to carve out your own thought process/belief system/philosophy that works personally for you in regards to how the process of change occurs.  It is all about taking a situation from where it currently is and helping it evolve to where you aspire to be.  This is a slow, gradual process.  Here is an old post which lays out The Process Of Change for me.  What do you hang your hat on when it comes to Shifting Yourself?

I Have Anger Issues with Anger Issues - Part 1

    Student:   I have anger issues.
     Parent:    My Daughter is always mad at me.  I think she has anger issues.
     Teacher:  I know what his problem is....he does not know how to control his anger.

To that I say this-- enough already.

The times are few and far between that someone became angry because of anger.  More than likely the triggering emotion was jealousy, frustration, worry, or embarrassment.  Maybe it was a feeling of exclusion.  Or somebody touched some one's stuff without permission.  Maybe a friend borrowed a prized possession and did not return it.  In any case, the outcome was not as anticipated.  Perhaps, that is what led to the anger.

Do me a favor.  Please do not call it anger issues.  Instead, call it a problem with sharing.  Or fearful of not fitting in with peers.  Maybe sad about moving to a new school.  All these things could cause an outward, visible expression of anger.  But, underneath the surface is something else.  Look for it.  Sit with it.  Acknowledge it.  Address it.  Be Healthy about it. It is not going to go away on its own. Covering it with the blanket statement of 'anger issues' does little to address the behavior of real concern.   

I believe an important skill to learn is to cope; to make a difficult and stressful situation less so. What do you do when something does not turn out the way in which you hoped and thought it would?  How do you deal with these trying, sudden emotions?  How can we help young people as they experience something like this?

In my next post- I Have Anger Issues with Anger Issues, Part 2: Emotionally Speaking-  I will deliniate the manner in which I set out to help young people navigate their emotions.

I Am Convinced

I recently heard someone lament that kids do not know how to interact with adults.  Here is the problem with that-- in some instances, we do not teach them to communicate.  Instead, we tell them what to do and then expect them to do it.  Not much communication or interaction in that.  Definitely very little thinking involved in such an encounter.  Makes me want to stick my head out the window and holler.

I am convinced being generous is a better way to interact/teach.  Be generous with your time and patience. 

Be nice. Compassion helps.  Some kids are given the What For all the time.  They don't need marching orders.  Our students do not need a harsh, judgmental ear.  I am convinced they thrive with a sensitive and accepting one.

I am convinced that we should pursue peace in every situation.  Albert Einstein said,
"Peace cannot be kept by force.  It can only be achieved by understanding."
We all want to be understood.  Don't we?  So, try understanding.  It will help to build some empathy.  A little may go a long way.

I am convinced we need to appreciate the wisdom of others. Sometimes that wisdom comes from the places you'd least expect.  Like the time we visited a homeless shelter where a man confided,
"Beauty surrounds me."
Or when a young student volunteered that,"Mental strength is what courage means to me." 

I'm for being honest.  As in, I don't know.  Or, let's try it out and see if it works.  Kind of  like trying on a new coat to see how it fits.

I am convinced the 'little things' make all the difference.   A nod of encouragement.  A pat on the back.  A high five or a fist bump. A smiling glance.

I am convinced that laughter has the capacity to enhance the clarity of relationship.  When was the last time your students heard you laugh out loud with them?

Generosity.  Compassion.  Peace. Laughter.  These are just some of the ingredients essential to developing a rapport built on respect. Take time to engage in meaningful conversation as a way to nurture trust for the student.  These are some things for which I am convinced.  How about you?